“ I dont really have much to say today to be honest, i felt like actually making the first real post so here i am. ”
“ Later on i have a confirmed hangout with my friends, one of them has been away studying in another country so i am very excited to see them again, they are like a brother to me cause i have know him since i was like 4/5 years old but he has taken an odd path that kind of inheriently classes us both on a political level but we never somehow literally never mention it. i dont know if this is a built in peace keeping method from him or if i am in the closet enough where he doesnt realise im trans, i mean he gotta be dense as hell to not know but i aint gonna bring it up, i dont even tell my family ”
“ i am going early though to hang out with the host some extra cause i have also known them sincce i was 4/5 (the three of us are the og trio or whatever). i have very stressed lately, snapping at the dumbest and smallest things so i hope that tonight will be good for me and i can ennjoy myself for a few hours. ”
“ i think i was gonna talk more about the night but i forgot so instead ill just let you know that i very often think about just killing myself but im too lazy to bother, i did try one time but i failed but i never tell anyone and i just act like it was a horrible mistake that looking back is funny, its not but i aint gonna tell anyone that. i often feel like i just have to keep this stuff in cause people think you just want attention or whatever so i will talk about it here i guess. you know how its like dr asks "how often do you think about killing youself" and the patient says "the normal ammount" (or whatever they say) then dr says "normal ammount is never". (if you didnt know it now you do :D) well i think about that post daily, literally daily. if you were to look at me ask me what im thinking about the cahnces are that if i was being honest i would say "killing myself" i literally ccant escape it. i dont even think that living alone or getting my dream job or anything like that would even really help me get better and i dont think i really even want to get better, if i were ameraican then i wouldve eaten lead by now but instead i will just have to drink myself to death or something, maybe just starve to death idk. but i wont do it cause i cant, people always pestering me so i dont even have the time to end my life. i couldnt even boil it down to a reason i want to die, i just hate everything about my life, best thing i have going for me is when i get to dye my hair and i can be happier walking past a mirror for a week but i still have to see my fucking face stare back and i hate it. sorry the real best thing i have is my friends from uni but i never get to see them. i wish i could hold them one more time and truly tell them howmuch they mean to me but they are too far away to just go and see for a bit. when i left uni and had to say goodbye to them i went back to my flat and just laid awake for a while thinking about the memories i have with them, the ones that stress or depression have killed that is, i think thats one of my biggest issues, each day i remember less and get worse at english, i honestly fear that soon enough i will just be a shell and an idiot and there is nothing i can do about it but yeh fair enough really. ”
“ ill usually be this miiserable so thanks for reading what you did, dont worry about me cause in a week or whenever i write again i will be saying that same stupid shit, some days are good but lets be real when im happy im prolly not sat at the computer to type out a bum ass blog post so you wont hear about it as much. Thank you for reading though, have a good day, have some happy holidays and try to cherish the joy that you feel. ”